Golden Globe Nominees: Queens, Dreams & Kazakhs!

Announcing the Golden Globes: Rosario Dawson wins for Best Bangs; Matthew Perry for Most Surly-Looking; and Jessica Biel for Most Earth-Toney.

Golden Globe nominations were announced! This morning! One can debate what these awards really mean (if anything—did you see the documentary that aired on Trio in 2003? "The Golden Globes: Hollywood's Dirty Little Secret”—it was kind of cool), but I’m more than happy to sound off on them.

Her Royal Highness Helen Mirren and her onscreen prince, James Cromwell.

Best Picture – Drama: I’m still wanting to see The Departed, but by and large these all seem kind of dull. But I’m gonna root for The Queen. Helen Mirren rocks. She was in Caligula! And did you ever see The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover? Insanity. Or The Comfort of Strangers? Or last year’s bonkers Shadowboxer? She’ll do anything. That’s always worth an award in my book. Plus, you know she must have a wicked sense of humor; I wanna have dinner with her and gossip about showbiz. You know she’d trash talk folks—but in a hot, brainy way.

Borat has arrived.

Best Picture – Comedy or Musical: For this one, I feel like the lead characters should be forced to sit down and work it out. Borat could hit on Deena from Dreamgirls. Prada’s Miranda Priestley could throw her fur coat and bag at Effie White—and we could watch the fur fly (literally and figuratively). Gay, depressed Steve Carrell from Little Miss Sunshine could hook up with Borat’s gay porn-star son. After which, they could all have cigarettes, courtesy of Aaron Eckhart. Oh, but the award? I loved Prada, but it would be more demented and rude if Borat won. Go Kazakhstan!

"Let me take these glasses off so I can be even MORE fierce, thanks."

Best Actress – Drama: See my notes on Helen Mirren and The Queen above. I think she oughtta win. Penelope Cruz’s fake butt and cleavage should be awarded some special prize, though. And Judi Dench should win some medal of valor for agreeing to be on 30-foot wide screens with no make up whatsover, frowning and scheming and stalking Cate Blanchett in a ratty sweater for 90 minutes. Kate Winslet should still win something for her performance as herself on Extras last year. And Maggie Gyllenhaal? Love her, but she'll be back plenty of times. Give it to Mirren! (Again, see above)

Give Forest Whitaker an award. He helps in soup kitchens with Loretta Swit, for goodness sake!

Best Actor – Drama: Forest Whitaker. He’s playing an African dictator in a historical political film. And he’s awesome. Besides, if Mirren wins for The Queen, it’d be cool if Whitaker won for The Last King of Scotland. Maybe they could get matching crowns instead of Golden Globe statues. Cute idea, right?

You gonna tell her she's not gonna win? I didn't think so...

Best Actress - Comedy/Musical: I enjoyed Beyonce in Dreamgirls, but no. Toni Collette I worship, but no. Annette Bening is always amazing, but no. Renee Zellweger – too puckery. So, it’s all about Meryl Streep. The white floppy Dorothy Hamill 'do cinched it for me. And that scene in the hotel with no makeup when she reveals that her husband is leaving her is amazing.(Basically, if you’re over 50 and show up onscreen without makeup, I’m yours.)

"And you can tell everybody, that this is your thong..."

Best Actor – Comedy/Musical: Sacha Baron Cohen for Borat. Because you know he’d give the most amazing/offensive acceptance speech ever. In a lime green mega-thong. Which I enjoy looking at way too much.

Best Supporting Actress: I’m thinking it’s between Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls, and the brilliant Emily Blunt for The Devil Wears Prada. They both rule their respective films. Blunt is like every cool woman you wanna hang out with at a boorish fashion party in New York. Hudson’s the gal who was your fag-hag best bud in theater in high school who’s made good. How about we give them both the award (a tie!) and then spin them off together in their own series, Effie & Emily? They could solve crimes, turn out gut-busting diva numbers, make fun of Beyonce, and wear bitchin’ eye shadow and hellacious dresses.

Eddie says: Smirk all you want, people. This award is mine!

Best Supporting Actor: First, you’ve got Brad Pitt (Babel), Mark Wahlberg (The Departed) and Ben Affleck (Hollywoodland), which sounds more like the wall of a gay dorm room ten years ago than actual award nominees. Then Jack Nicholson, who’s always great. But give it to Eddie Murphy. Yes, I know he performed wildly homophobic rants in his stand-up 20-some years ago. I think he’s smarter now. And he does deliver the most impressive acting that you’re gonna find in Dreamgirls, anchoring the chiffon and flighty diva drama with a real sense of hard-won survivor cred. And yes, he’s sings and dances fabulously.

Smells minty--and awardy.

Best Foreign Language Film: Volver. It’s not as punch-you-in-the-stomach fierce or powerful as All About My Mother, but even Almodovar at his second best is more inventive and assured a filmmaker as just about anybody else. And I love a good ghost story where women cook, cut hair and hide bodies.

The TV Nominations: Ummm... I say Heroes for Best Drama. Edie Falco for Best Actress/Drama for The Sopranos (because I just think she’s amazing; although I’d love to see Evangeline Lily win for Lost, just because she’s “Freckles.”) Michael C. Hall for Best Actor/Drama for Dexter (I’ve not seen it; but I love that he’ll play anything. And that’s he’s weirdly creepy/hot. Which is soooo wrong.) Best Comedy = Ugly Betty or Weeds. Best Actress/Comedy, Mary Louise Parker, because is she ever not perfect? Best Actor/Comedy, Jason Lee. 'Cuz he’s hot (in a goofy, foxy, slovenly, hilarious way).

For a full rundown of the nominees, go here.

Thanks everybody! Stay gold-en!